I am going to explode. I’m so angry right now.

at what point are you supposed to stop making associations with a certain person? when should i be able to look at a thing for what it is, not for who it makes me think of?

why can’t i just look at it and say hey that’s funny/cute/whatever and then move on. why do i feel the need to share it with that person?

i just saw a thing that reminded me of a person i haven’t seen in over a year, and was immediately struck with the urge to email it to him. i didn’t do it, but like… why did i even have that urge? when does it go away?

i’m not HURT by the fact that i had that feeling. it was a nice recollection, and it was just a little thing about him as a person, not about “us.” thinking of him when i see the thing doesn’t upset me.

i guess what upsets me is the feeling that i’ll never be able to not have that association. there will always be things that make me think of someone. and in this particular case, it was an okay thing.

but there are so many bad associations i have developed, so many things ruined for me because of who i relate them with. and i’m talking like, ten-year-long grudges that i’ve held against various things because they make me think of a particular person that i don’t want to think about.

do i ever get to grow out of this?

My dad is so sick and drugged up right now that my mother is driving. This NEVER happens. HE DROVE HIMSELF TO THE HOSPITAL WHILE HE WAS HAVING A HEART ATTACK.

He’s a terrrrrrible passenger. It’s the reason I never really got taught how to drive. I seriously just figured it out on my own (which is why I didn’t get my license until I was 19 years old, and why I was so bad for the first few years). He gets such bad anxiety as a passenger. And he really doesn’t do sick well.

They just got off of their cruise today. Mom texted me earlier with this exchange… Also, to note: I got norovirus when I was 9 years old. And it is a monster of a sickness.

Mom: Off the ship. Good cruise, but dad got either food poisoning or norovirus last night. I just took him to the doctor, and hopefully the drugs will kick in and he’ll feel better and will sleep.

Me: Oh yuck :(

Mom: He got conch salad from a guy in a row boat, but that was 36 hours before he got sick.

I feel bad that he’s so sick (and feel bad that she has to deal with him when he’s so pitiful), but I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. He got conch salad from a guy in a row boat.

So, Connor and I went thrifting today to gather our costumes for Champagne Supernova tomorrow.

I got a ridiculous sparkly dress… but didn’t notice until I came home and tried it on that it has slits in both sides all the way to my hips.

SLUTTIN IT UP, SPARKLE-STYLE.

i don’t understand why i’m sad. i had a lovely night at the theatre with megan today. i’m going thrifting with connor tomorrow, and then maybe a bbq for sloc’s birthday? and then saturday is a Special Friends Dinner and Champagne Supernova! oh and next thursday is starkid!!

all of these things are going to be wonderful!

it’s not a general depression type sadness, it’s an i-actually-feel-sad type sadness.

oh, a probable reason just hit me as i was typing this.

it’s now 12 days til my birthday. i’m almost 26 years old. in two weeks, i’ll be in my “late twenties.” and yet, i live with my parents and i’m unemployed and i’m a college dropout and i am constantly lonely and i’m a giant fuckup

well there ya go.

Yes, I’m sure I’m overreacting. But I’m really not happy about this. Like, okay. Of the 8 people who liked my status, 6 of them are fellow artists, in some way or another - and two of them were also friends with Ellen. One is another former viola player, but I know that’s not why she liked it. She and I first became friends in the aftermath of Ellen’s death - she was the first person on the internet to reach out to me, and we’ve been good friends ever since. And the other is my very best friend in the whole world, who definitely has a clue what this means to me.

A (red) is one of the the people who liked it. She’s an artist, and she was friends with Ellen. And she commented with simply a heart. Thanks kid, I appreciate it, that really does mean a lot. Because I know she gets it.

But then A (green) steps up (she’s not one of the 8 who liked it) and I’m trying to be nice to her but god, I’m pissed. I’m sure I’m overreacting, but I don’t care right now, because I’m really upset!! And at least I’m not overreacting to HER, I’m doing it where she can’t see.

I liked her last comment because I wanted to acknowledge it without responding, because responding would encourage her to just comment again, and I really don’t want her to.

I feel stupid for letting this get to me so much.

ok, no offense but like. my fb status was a deeply personal thing, for ME. i shared it, yes, but i don’t want to hear your dumb story. i don’t care why you don’t play anymore. i don’t care that you want your kids to play. you hijacked my status and made it all about you. on any random status i might not care, but this one was really fucking important to me.

For the first time since Ellen’s funeral (that’s nearly 8 years), I played my viola today. For like 20 minutes, then my arm started to get sore because I’m so out of practice. Then I cried with relief.

72% and i need to stop, omg. because it’s 3:30 in the morning!!!

wednesday’s goals are jogging, and laundry.

yes, those are my only real goals for the day, and yes, i need to put them here because if i don’t i won’t accomplish them.

lol how do i adult

… all i ever ended up eating was the crumbs at a bottom of a bag of tortilla chips, with some salsa.

i’m the worst.

i get annoyed that a) i’ll be 26 in 2 weeks and i’m still living with my parents and b) that my parents force me to eat at least one good solid meal a day. it’s naggy and makes me defensive. maybe i needed that (ok, i DEFINITELY needed it) when i was 16 but i don’t still need it at 26.

but deep down, on days like today, i know that i still do need it.